early morning thoughts..

i was thinking while laying in bed this morning about how most of my relatives just assume i'm crazy and over-exaggerating about my psychological diagnonsis of when my PSYCHOLOGIST even diagnosed me with PTSD (BECAUSE ONLY SOLDIERS OF WAR GO THROUGH TRAUMATIZING EVENTS WHICH CAUSE PTSD! SO WHAT DO I KNOW? I'M JUST AN IDIOT WITH A TBI! RIGHT AMANDA AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY (EXCEPT JOE)?). i remember reading somewhere about exactly what PTSD is. it mentioned when a person has traumatizing dreams about past events in their lives. i was trying to think back if i ever told my psychologist about any dreams around the car accident i was involved in. i didn't ever really have many dreams about the car accident or around the car accident (except i may have mentioned the one dream i had of sitting in a car with zack when tim ran into the convenient store (i'm pretty sure it was the convenient store he got the beer from))- but i think i only had one dream about it a long time ago and i don't even think i was working with the current psychologist who diagnosed me with PTSD. HOWEVER- i DO remember telling her about the dreams i had which i dreamt around the last surgery i had which were about me being out at oak leaf park by the creek and my mom having me in her arms and my dad was drinking and angry about something, so he kicked his foot at my mom while he was hitting her and she deliberately turned with me in her arms, using me as a shield- so to speak, to block my dad from hitting her and trying to explain to him that he should stop because i was there and I ended up getting kicked instead of my mom. needless to say- i was hurt and my grandpa was pissed- so he went into town and chased my dad to mexico- never to be seen again. i'm not sure how much time went on between those string of events but that's pretty much what happened in my dream. so now i'm stuck with medical problems on account of immature, selfish parents who really shouldn't have ever had children in the first fucking place. my mom has NEVER taken accountability for this shit or even brought it up to me- probably because she was ashamed of it and afraid of my reaction. i'm guessing because she knows i'll ask her why she didn't try to remove me from the situation if my dad was being abusive. selfish bitch. it's no wonder why i ran off when i was 16, trying to take ANY opportunity possible to remove myself from the shitty ass life i was bound to live with my lousy excuse of a mom supposedly being there to "support" and care for me. i honestly was thinking and HOPING that ANYTHING would be better than what i was doomed to experience in life. "SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY REMEMBER THAT FAR BACK! SHE HAS A TBI! SHE'S STUPID AND WILL SAY ANYTHING!" is what i can imagine amanda is saying because she's so SMART and "caring". next time i have to go to the emergency room- i'll just tell them to bring me to a salon since they know what they're doing there and doctors and surgeons don't know ANYTHING compared to them. right amanda? my grandma CLAIMED amanda would be so "supportive" of me and she'd have me moved to new york right away and i wouldn't have to go to rehab. therapy anymore!.. more proof that my grandma was naive and overconfident. amanda figures she can just keep me going to the courage center so they can distract and deal with me instead of ACTUALLY assisting me to get me where my grandma claimed she told her she'd get me. amanda doesn't care though! it'll be too much work for her and i'm stupid with a brain injury, I'LL JUST LISTEN TO WHATEVER MY KEWLIEZ COUSIN AMANDA SAYS AND GIVE UP EVERYTHING I'VE POSSIBLY WORKED MY ASS FOR AT LEAST 15 YEARS FOR! seriously.. learn empathy. if that's not too fucking difficult and inconvenient for your selfish ass. but empathy requires INTELLIGENCE.. so i'm not sure that's your thing.